TMI on the Orwigs of Saline

ACCUWEATHER PREDICTS SCOTT WILL STAY INDOORS UNTIL 11:45PM MARCH 20, 2009

I subscribe to an email weather notification service. I know, that’s very 2005 of me. I should really be following the weather through a Twitter stream or an iPhone app, or at least an RSS feed. Actually, I’m doing all of those things, but I haven’t yet unsubscribed from the email list.

I think I’m about to, though, and it’s not just because of the embarrasingly antiquated nature of an email list. It’s because the email list just doesn’t get me and my . . . eh . . . sensitivities.

You see, I hate snow. There may have been a time that I enjoyed it, but I don’t remember those times and I don’t intend to try. I’m a Michigan resident who wishes he lived in Santa Monica, California. At least several times a day I picture what it must be like on the 3rd Street Promenade or on the Santa Monica Pier. I say what it “must” be like because it truly must be that way. Sure, the temperature can vary by 20 degrees over the year in the rest of the LA area, but with the Pacific so close, Santa Monica doesn’t typically have such wild fluctuations. It’s guaranteed sunny in the high 70s 99.999% of the time. It rained once while we were there and people were in shock. The temperature got down in the 60s and people were — I kid you not — wearing scarves. Sure, there are homeless people in Santa Monica (in fact, that’s my current backup plan if things get much worse), and there are crazy people there, and even occasional violence. But generally it’s close to perfect, and my favorite part is the climate.

I’ve heard arguments that I would miss real weather, particularly snow, but I don’t believe it. And if I did miss it I figure I could visit it. Or have some snow shipped to my seaside home (or park bench).

So I spend the months from about May through September pretending I live in a warm climate. Then it’s sometime around this time of year that my illusion is shattered. If reality floods in too suddenly there’s no telling how I might react. Which is my problem with the email I recently received. I don’t even remember the subject line, but when I opened it I found something like this:

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IS PREDICTING SNOW ACCUMULATION OF UP TO 1 INCH IN SOME AREAS OF SOUTHEASTERN MICHIGAN

That’s the kind of loud (ALL CAPS!) sudden announcement that could lead me to a total flip-out. I need a weather service that understands me. Such a service might send me a message (or Twitter or SMS or RSS) something more like this:

Hey, Scott. How are you?

We’ve got some news for you. Are you comfortable? Warm enough? Good. Well, you know how we’ve had some frost in the morning? Remember the other day when you woke up and thought the frost was snow? Yeah, well hopefully that kind of eased you into our news. The fact is, we’re likely to get some snow tonight. So that’s the first thing. The second thing is — and this really isn’t as big a deal as it might sound — the second thing is that a tiny little bit of that snow may be left over in the morning. If it is — and really, it probably won’t be — but if it is, it will melt just as soon as the sun comes out. So you can think of it as a little introduction to winter.

If it happens. Which it probably won’t.

If it does happen, think how happy the kids will be! And it will cover up the lawn and look really nice. C’mon, you have to admit that snow can be very pretty at times, right? Am I right?>

Sorry. Anyway, just in case — really just as a precaution — you might want to take a moment to make sure the snow scraper is in the car. If you don’t need it tomorrow then you still will later in the season when it really does . . . er . . . so might as well get that out there tonight, right?

Have a nice, warm evening, Scott. And don’t worry about the you-know-what. It probably won’t happen.

If there isn’t already a service like that I need to start one. Maybe I could charge for it and be able to afford a park bench with a nice view of the Pier.

1 Comment

  1. Anonymous Anonymous
    December 3, 2008    

    Stay indoors! You used to be the perfect marching band man with the metal of instruments stuck to your fingers! I recall some cold days you came in without a jacket. Are you getting old???

    Annette Travis, BS, MS

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